When it doesn't feel good...

 Hello friends, I hope you are enjoying and making some sense of life these days.  I am sitting over here trying to make sense of what ingredients this blog will hold.  A few things are certain, it will be about life.  Narrowed it down. 😏 Not mom, friend or daughter or wife life exclusively, but complete person-life (or lyfe--click and look it up for laughs).  Here is a recent discovery borne out of real struggle, in the category of mom life. 😯

My days have been following something like this rhythm lately: my "babies" wake up eagerly each morning and it’s a flurry of stumbling out of bed, meeting needs, preparing delicious food, making latte’s, entertaining friends and family, a impromptu dance party with Aurora (3), reading, writing, other things if I am lucky, and cleaning up after these events. Riddled throughout this activity are smiles upon smiles, joy and laughter. I can’t even describe the warm fuzzies my daughters bring that pull silly songs and chuckles from my face throughout the day.

It's not all cuties and kisses though. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning, and herein is the dark side of my day. Night time has been the greatest drama, making insanity feel like a possibility within my brain. I know relational hurt has driven me to be irrational, but a baby with sleeping troubles is a struggle I didn’t anticipate. It has tested my love and attitude like little else has.

Aimee, my now eight month old, who has never been a good sleeper from her first days, was up 5+ times per night, multiple nights for weeks. She has had a sinus problem, teething problems and complications all lined up to feel like a train from hell. At least that is what I think in my groggy state. Maybe you saw me during this time, and if you did I am sure you heard the tales. 

Karter, my husband and I both needed and hated bed time badly during this assault. Going to bed meant the interruptions of sleep would commence. We would moan, groan and want to throw things when the crying would start up again. What made it worse is it’s hard to see my baby as the angel she is at that midnight hour. Much of those dark hours I don’t even remember. What I do remember is the anger and swearing under my breath that seemed to overtake me on the longest of those nights. It was so hard to rip my body from the warm coverlet and find my way to Aimee’s room, pick her up and do whatever it took to get her calm and back to sleep, for as long as it took. Frustration built as I realized this was not something I was able to control nor see an end to.

Finally, in the thick of Aimee’s wakings, after a couple of weeks of complaining, praying, hoping and trying new things to help her sleep, I asked God what was up. How in the world do I handle my exhausted self one more night, and then the day after? What I thought I heard was not instant relief, but the voice deep in my soul said that HE was with me. I’m not rocking her alone on those discouraging nights, and I don’t have to feel alone. He also reminded me this is going to be hard, for a time. Not indefinitely. Some relief came in grasping that. It was temporary “suffering”.

What I felt He said next pricked me to my core, “Love doesn’t always feel good.” Oh. Oh, yes. Truth. So many images of how His love for us caused Him pain began to fill my consciousness. I had become so fixated on sleep and how wrong it felt that I could never get close to enough, that I had lost sight of His angle on love. Love takes place when you just want to sleep and your baby is crying, and not glowing with smiles. Love that overcomes the feeling of being a victim while your goal that seems essential to survival is being blocked. Sleep surely is essential to better sanity, yes, but one CAN live on a few hours...for a while.

I began to understand somewhat, and tears flowed while I typed this exchange in my online (google drafts) journal. Jesus was inviting me to the action of love. And His kind of love, real love, toward me is without limit and without end no matter my wearisome behavior.

Not more than a week after that revelation our nights filled up with a little more sleep as she recovered from some major teething and associated symptoms. Those words from Jesus to me continue to pulse in my heart, ready I hope, for my next test of love. Especially the kind that doesn’t feel good.  I am sure in your own way, relationships, work, school or all of those, you have a situation in mind.  When love requires more than you want to give, and doesn't feel good at all.  Here is a shout out to you, and encouragement to keep going if it is ongoing!  He gave us His Spirit and showed us what it looks like.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

1 John 3:16