The Romance Conspiracy

February is a great month for reflection, it comes on the tail of my husband Karter's birthday and the dawn of our anniversary, and who could forget the loved and hated Valentines Day?  I also have three precious sisters born this month. A sentimental time in so many categories.😊

Lately I have been pondering the scheme called romantic love, what I thought it would be, verses how it transpired in reality. Growing up I quietly tended to my dreams for future romance, shielding my fantasy from naysayers.  Many voices had spoken the chilling warning: enjoy your romance those first few years, for that's as good as love would ever feel.  Soon marriage would become a noble task of duty, and zero passion. Thus when Karter brought the electricity and pull of attraction, I was determined to feed the fire, stay in love, or infatuated with my man all through the years and never lose interest.  My marriage would be different.

A few months into marriage, I still had those butterfly-style feelings, but I also had tears, endless frustration and fear.  This was as good as marriage would ever feel (I thought) and I was losing it.  Physically I was married and enjoying, but emotionally I was struggling hard.  Karter and I explain portions of it away through his immaturity and his personal battles going into the marriage, but I began to realize he wasn't the only sinner. Shocker. But I had worked so hard at being a good person and was trying to do all the right wife things!  What the world was wrong?

If you read our story now (our riveting long story is here😉), or were there to watch personally, it seemed obvious that God had brought us together.  I thought God had finally answered my prayer and sent me someone attractive who could work alongside me to change the world. Reality sent back the message that God sent him to do some changing in me.  A pause to ask: isn't that a lot like God?  We pray to see big changes around us while meanwhile God is noticing a huge area of lack within us?  In my experience, He seems to prioritize confronting that need within us, before promoting our efforts to change the world.

So I finally started to see the needs for healing inside me that God perceived all along. One example is my hate relationship with being ignored.  Growing up in a sea of relatives in my immediate family and distant, I developed ways of standing out.  Humor, clothes, hair, I needed to be extra to not be boring, or I would be ignored and feel worthless and lonely. My friendships with adoring family and kindhearted girls who loved me also cushioned my heart from rejection. I had purposely not dated or pursued relationships with "guys" to ensure I would be the apple of their eye, or not close to them at all.  I would not be known by a man who would pronounce me not enough, or boring.  The man I let near me would be my match, my knight who adored me.  What I thought was simply guarding my heart, was also striving to protect my insecurity.

Now I discovered my young husband Karter, whom after the thrill of the chase subsided, had an aptitude for being alone and playing video games. Unlike me, he really enjoyed sleep and the space he was used to having, and had an unfamiliar slowness to opening up. According to what I had heard, this was as attentive as he would ever be. I was freaking out, I wanted, yea, I NEEDED more. His independence that I had been so attracted to and lacked within myself was not OK anymore.    My ability to connect and independence from others which he lacked and admired in me was now suffocating to him. We were the perfect storm.  Here we were, married and doomed to feeling worthless and stifled, respectively.   I believed that my worth depended on his ability to see it, and to convince me that I really was valuable.  Karter exposed my secret (to me) co-dependency.

almost 4 years in...

                                                     

An obvious divine plot here.  We were attracted to each other in many ways because of our needs. The person who speaks to this brokenness pulls us in, offering a subliminal semblance of healing. Infatuation ensues.  Our wildest dreams come true!  Then, when the physical pull mellows, we are left with the truth of our brokenness and forced to either face it and change, or embittered, seek another person who can keep alive the fantasy that they bring healing and hope within themselves.   Because, surprise! They were also drawn to us related to their deep needs and brokenness. They have their own hurts to heal and figure out!  Of course you can also argue the angle of being drawn to the other person's strengths, as I have so enjoyed the strengths and blessings that come with Karter, things that I have learned from and continue to adore. In my partner I have a friend to walk alongside of me, in many cases to encourage my strengths as well.  Not a Messiah who fixes it. Those partners, dey in da same boat. I have reason to believe My Creator lured me--through romance--into discovering this.

cheesy, loved, happy me

How I am coming to accept the worth that God has given me, separate from any other human's behavior is another topic I would love to share at another time. This post is way lengthy.😌 In light of all of this I want to officially thank You, God for romance, not only the feel-good, but the make-good part.  Father, thank you for bringing Karter, with his perfect problems, to show me my deepest wounds.  To expose a stinking heap of co-dependency and unhealthy ways of viewing myself and relating to others.  Thank you for the love that Karter has shown me, and for developing a love more real and true in me, because of him.  Most importantly, THANK YOU for your love that heals me, as you've shown me the truth about my worth.  Father, You really are the best, better than my wildest dreams. I love You because You loved me first and gave me all that I have.


And Karter, I am so thankful for you and love you more than ever.  Thanks for sticking it out for *almost* four years *so far* and learning, laughing and growing alongside me, not giving up when it's tough.  Thank you for being real with me, and letting me get to know your heart of gold.  I love what I see when I look at you.

And reader?  If you're still there, would you be willing to share any personal stories in the comments below; if you can relate in any way or would like to add to the strange conspiracy of attraction, or perhaps another angle?  I don't mean for this to be textbook on love, but a chronicle of our experience.  I would love to hear yours.

💕💘May you feel and know God's unconditional love for you, this February💗💓
                                                            😉
                                                        PEACE

When it doesn't feel good...

 Hello friends, I hope you are enjoying and making some sense of life these days.  I am sitting over here trying to make sense of what ingredients this blog will hold.  A few things are certain, it will be about life.  Narrowed it down. 😏 Not mom, friend or daughter or wife life exclusively, but complete person-life (or lyfe--click and look it up for laughs).  Here is a recent discovery borne out of real struggle, in the category of mom life. 😯

My days have been following something like this rhythm lately: my "babies" wake up eagerly each morning and it’s a flurry of stumbling out of bed, meeting needs, preparing delicious food, making latte’s, entertaining friends and family, a impromptu dance party with Aurora (3), reading, writing, other things if I am lucky, and cleaning up after these events. Riddled throughout this activity are smiles upon smiles, joy and laughter. I can’t even describe the warm fuzzies my daughters bring that pull silly songs and chuckles from my face throughout the day.

It's not all cuties and kisses though. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning, and herein is the dark side of my day. Night time has been the greatest drama, making insanity feel like a possibility within my brain. I know relational hurt has driven me to be irrational, but a baby with sleeping troubles is a struggle I didn’t anticipate. It has tested my love and attitude like little else has.

Aimee, my now eight month old, who has never been a good sleeper from her first days, was up 5+ times per night, multiple nights for weeks. She has had a sinus problem, teething problems and complications all lined up to feel like a train from hell. At least that is what I think in my groggy state. Maybe you saw me during this time, and if you did I am sure you heard the tales. 

Karter, my husband and I both needed and hated bed time badly during this assault. Going to bed meant the interruptions of sleep would commence. We would moan, groan and want to throw things when the crying would start up again. What made it worse is it’s hard to see my baby as the angel she is at that midnight hour. Much of those dark hours I don’t even remember. What I do remember is the anger and swearing under my breath that seemed to overtake me on the longest of those nights. It was so hard to rip my body from the warm coverlet and find my way to Aimee’s room, pick her up and do whatever it took to get her calm and back to sleep, for as long as it took. Frustration built as I realized this was not something I was able to control nor see an end to.

Finally, in the thick of Aimee’s wakings, after a couple of weeks of complaining, praying, hoping and trying new things to help her sleep, I asked God what was up. How in the world do I handle my exhausted self one more night, and then the day after? What I thought I heard was not instant relief, but the voice deep in my soul said that HE was with me. I’m not rocking her alone on those discouraging nights, and I don’t have to feel alone. He also reminded me this is going to be hard, for a time. Not indefinitely. Some relief came in grasping that. It was temporary “suffering”.

What I felt He said next pricked me to my core, “Love doesn’t always feel good.” Oh. Oh, yes. Truth. So many images of how His love for us caused Him pain began to fill my consciousness. I had become so fixated on sleep and how wrong it felt that I could never get close to enough, that I had lost sight of His angle on love. Love takes place when you just want to sleep and your baby is crying, and not glowing with smiles. Love that overcomes the feeling of being a victim while your goal that seems essential to survival is being blocked. Sleep surely is essential to better sanity, yes, but one CAN live on a few hours...for a while.

I began to understand somewhat, and tears flowed while I typed this exchange in my online (google drafts) journal. Jesus was inviting me to the action of love. And His kind of love, real love, toward me is without limit and without end no matter my wearisome behavior.

Not more than a week after that revelation our nights filled up with a little more sleep as she recovered from some major teething and associated symptoms. Those words from Jesus to me continue to pulse in my heart, ready I hope, for my next test of love. Especially the kind that doesn’t feel good.  I am sure in your own way, relationships, work, school or all of those, you have a situation in mind.  When love requires more than you want to give, and doesn't feel good at all.  Here is a shout out to you, and encouragement to keep going if it is ongoing!  He gave us His Spirit and showed us what it looks like.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

1 John 3:16