Lately I have been pondering the scheme called romantic love, what I thought it would be, verses how it transpired in reality. Growing up I quietly tended to my dreams for future romance, shielding my fantasy from naysayers. Many voices had spoken the chilling warning: enjoy your romance those first few years, for that's as good as love would ever feel. Soon marriage would become a noble task of duty, and zero passion. Thus when Karter brought the electricity and pull of attraction, I was determined to feed the fire, stay in love, or infatuated with my man all through the years and never lose interest. My marriage would be different.
A few months into marriage, I still had those butterfly-style feelings, but I also had tears, endless frustration and fear. This was as good as marriage would ever feel (I thought) and I was losing it. Physically I was married and enjoying, but emotionally I was struggling hard. Karter and I explain portions of it away through his immaturity and his personal battles going into the marriage, but I began to realize he wasn't the only sinner. Shocker. But I had worked so hard at being a good person and was trying to do all the right wife things! What the world was wrong?
If you read our story now (our riveting long story is here😉), or were there to watch personally, it seemed obvious that God had brought us together. I thought God had finally answered my prayer and sent me someone attractive who could work alongside me to change the world. Reality sent back the message that God sent him to do some changing in me. A pause to ask: isn't that a lot like God? We pray to see big changes around us while meanwhile God is noticing a huge area of lack within us? In my experience, He seems to prioritize confronting that need within us, before promoting our efforts to change the world.
So I finally started to see the needs for healing inside me that God perceived all along. One example is my hate relationship with being ignored. Growing up in a sea of relatives in my immediate family and distant, I developed ways of standing out. Humor, clothes, hair, I needed to be extra to not be boring, or I would be ignored and feel worthless and lonely. My friendships with adoring family and kindhearted girls who loved me also cushioned my heart from rejection. I had purposely not dated or pursued relationships with "guys" to ensure I would be the apple of their eye, or not close to them at all. I would not be known by a man who would pronounce me not enough, or boring. The man I let near me would be my match, my knight who adored me. What I thought was simply guarding my heart, was also striving to protect my insecurity.
Now I discovered my young husband Karter, whom after the thrill of the chase subsided, had an aptitude for being alone and playing video games. Unlike me, he really enjoyed sleep and the space he was used to having, and had an unfamiliar slowness to opening up. According to what I had heard, this was as attentive as he would ever be. I was freaking out, I wanted, yea, I NEEDED more. His independence that I had been so attracted to and lacked within myself was not OK anymore. My ability to connect and independence from others which he lacked and admired in me was now suffocating to him. We were the perfect storm. Here we were, married and doomed to feeling worthless and stifled, respectively. I believed that my worth depended on his ability to see it, and to convince me that I really was valuable. Karter exposed my secret (to me) co-dependency.
 |
| almost 4 years in... |
An obvious divine plot here. We were attracted to each other in many ways because of our needs. The person who speaks to this brokenness pulls us in, offering a subliminal semblance of healing. Infatuation ensues. Our wildest dreams come true! Then, when the physical pull mellows, we are left with the truth of our brokenness and forced to either face it and change, or embittered, seek another person who can keep alive the fantasy that they bring healing and hope within themselves. Because, surprise! They were also drawn to us related to their deep needs and brokenness. They have their own hurts to heal and figure out! Of course you can also argue the angle of being drawn to the other person's strengths, as I have so enjoyed the strengths and blessings that come with Karter, things that I have learned from and continue to adore. In my partner I have a friend to walk alongside of me, in many cases to encourage my strengths as well. Not a Messiah who fixes it. Those partners, dey in da same boat. I have reason to believe My Creator lured me--through romance--into discovering this.
 |
| cheesy, loved, happy me |
How I am coming to accept the worth that God has given me, separate from any other human's behavior is another topic I would love to share at another time. This post is way lengthy.😌 In light of all of this I want to officially thank You, God for romance, not only the feel-good, but the make-good part. Father, thank you for bringing Karter, with his perfect problems, to show me my deepest wounds. To expose a stinking heap of co-dependency and unhealthy ways of viewing myself and relating to others. Thank you for the love that Karter has shown me, and for developing a love more real and true in me, because of him. Most importantly, THANK YOU for your love that heals me, as you've shown me the truth about my worth. Father, You really are the best, better than my wildest dreams. I love You because You loved me first and gave me all that I have.
And Karter, I am so thankful for you and love you more than ever. Thanks for sticking it out for *almost* four years *so far* and learning, laughing and growing alongside me, not giving up when it's tough. Thank you for being real with me, and letting me get to know your heart of gold. I love what I see when I look at you.
And reader? If you're still there, would you be willing to share any personal stories in the comments below; if you can relate in any way or would like to add to the strange conspiracy of attraction, or perhaps another angle? I don't mean for this to be textbook on love, but a chronicle of our experience. I would love to hear yours.
💕💘May you feel and know God's unconditional love for you, this February💗💓
😉
PEACE
